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But I avoid like hell because I want everyone to be happy and to like me. Seems to me, this has to do with the chaos in my early childhood where I was trying to soothe everyone while our home and family was going to hell. We all do. I think one of my biggest challenges is trusting myself, my feelings, and my anger.
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But anger is very scarey for a conflict-avoidant person. I have to own my sadness.
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I have to expose my anger. I give myself a harder time than I would give anyone in my life. When it gets out of hand I start falling away from reality and falling into some despairing hopelessness, that tends to overwhelm and freeze me. It sucks.
But they say awareness of the problem is the first step. So today, I admit I am powerless over my destructive coping mechanisms. And this takes place first thing in the morning, and many times during the course of the day. In both of these devastating losses, I was still clinging to the hope that things would get better. And while I thought I was working to make them better, in both cases I was as unhappy as they were, I was just too dependant to admit it.
But I love them for breaking the toxic pattern and letting me go. Letting me fall back onto my own path. It was never their responsibility to take care of me, or make me happy, or do anything but be honest and live their own lives. Everyone is doing the very best they can. We have to remember that at all times.
About ourselves and about others in our lives. Nobody is trying to fuck things up.
Give them and yourself a break. When things start getting hard, pump up the music, put on your headphones and get after it. Show yourself you can actually do it. Climb a mountain and tell no one.
Then keep going. Go parallel right, and parallel left until you find a door in the wall. Once you find that door, you can either give up or keep going. If you want to finish, you have to open that door. When you do, your mind resets and you break through the wall and you keep going. Sometimes you have legitimate reasons for wanting to quit. If you need someone to call you out, I try to help out with that.
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Get on the email list for no BS call-outs directly to your inbox. Sit around. Put your head in your hands. Curl up in a ball. Feel bad for yourself. Do whatever you have to. Wallow and throw yourself a pity party.
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But and this is important give yourself a time limit for wallowing. Give yourself a set time to wallow preferably not over 24 hours and then get back to it and do something. But you need to quit the right things — not everything.
If you quit everything, you either need to get better at choosing what to start or learn to adapt and perserve more. If you quit something, do it because you need to focus on something else or do something better. When that happens, I start counting trees. How it works is that while running, you pick out a tree 50 yards in front of you. You tell yourself to keep going until that tree.
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As soon as you hit that next tree, pick another tree out and keep going. Repeat as necessary. You got rejected, turned down or met some other minor setback? Forget about it. Literally just forget about it. Move on to something else instead and put that out of your mind. In my mind sometimes, I think things were really, really easy, because looking back on things I tend to forget all the hard parts. But there were a ton of times along the way that things were difficult, but I just put them out of my head. So I quit, packed up my laptop ran to my room, cried for a few months and never wrote another thing again, right?
Well, actually I just made my own site and started writing. I still get rejected all the time, but I just keep going. Reframing your story is one of the most powerful things you can do. Your circumstances define the conflict, but not the final result. The harder the struggle, the greater the story. The more triumphant it is in the end when you overcome the conflict you find yourself immersed in.
Keeping your head up allows you to see the simple solution to the problem that you used to think was ridiculously complex. You get the opportunity to do this. To be able to change your life, try something impossible and actually do it. This is so effective, and so simple, but hardly anyone does it.
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